


I had all and then most of you, some and then none of you

by maddervanilla



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x18, Angst, Crossing Parallels, Fluff, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Post-Break Up, because when is he not, if you squint into a microscope, since we're not talking about it enough already
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 05:31:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18614131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddervanilla/pseuds/maddervanilla
Summary: Were you really afraid I was gonna go?





	I had all and then most of you, some and then none of you

The first time Alec walked away from him, Magnus watched him leave, wondering why the click of his door shutting and the solitude returning to his loft apartment hurt as much as it did. The night before, Alec had stayed after everyone else had left and surprised Magnus in doing so, his long, lean body bent over Magnus' couch cleaning up a mess he didn’t have to.  

Magnus had never been surprised by Nephilim before, had never felt any emotion towards them really. They treated the Downworld as an expendable thing, a well of resources that could be used and discarded, nothing more than an inconvenience until one of their own was dying and then suddenly it wasn’t.

But Alec Lightwood was an anomaly in his living room, a Lightwood who didn’t look or act like a Lightwood at all, at least the ones Magnus had known. Wiping the blood off his couch was something Alec had done in consideration of the amount of energy Magnus had exerted healing Luke, an act of kindness, not a payment.

He remembered the day he had attended a meeting at the London Institute, the beginning fragments of the Accords being proposed at a table of Shadowhunters and Downworlders just barely reaching for each other’s throats. Magnus had sat amongst the chaos of the room hoping that progress in some unknown direction would be made eventually. They would take small but significant strides. But Magnus had been naïve to think years of resentment could be written away on a piece of paper. After the meeting was dismissed, the Shadowhunters had thrown away the plates touched by Downworlders, too disgusted to eat from them again.

Magnus opened the door he had shut that day a little wider when Alec accepted the drink he offered, had touched. The blue sparks of Magnus’ magic circling the rim of the glass reflected in Alec's eyes and he fatally imagined them alight on his pale skin instead. If wasn’t for his mother’s untimely call, their moment wouldn’t have been interrupted. Well, Magnus wasn’t exactly sure what it was. In retrospect, it more so resembled a disaster, Magnus being too obvious about his feelings too soon and Alec unable to respond to them. He recalled the roughness of Alec's soldier hands, how he had offered his strength without hesitation, the sturdy wall of his chest catching Magnus when he had collapsed. Magnus convinced himself that he was building castles in the air, that the voice he had heard asking him if he was okay was just the exhaustion playing a tug-of-war with his consciousness because surely a Shadowhunter wasn't concerned for his well-being.

Alec fell asleep on Magnus' couch following more than the one drink he has agreed to stay for, sprawled limbs hanging over the armrests, his furrowed brow and the perpetual gloom that hung over his head weathered away by dreams. Magnus had looked at his hands then and wondered if his magic could ever be as effective. Closing his eyes, he played back footage of the night from a reel of his memory: the upturn of Alec’s lips when his finger had swept past them; his smile becoming an easier thing to draw out as every drink lightened the weight of his responsibilities, making him stand up straighter; the moonlight softening the harsh shadows touching Alec's face, almost making him look like someone that could be easy to love.

Magnus was pushed back to the starting line when Alec woke up the next morning. Ripples emerged and broke the surface of calm water, the implications of him spending the night with Magnus, a warlock, a man, causing Alec to retreat to the other side of the room, far out of Magnus' reach once again.

“What time is it?” Alec had asked. “I have to get back to the Institute.” His raspy voice, muddled from sleep, was a wonderful sound, embedding itself in Magnus’ mind the way an old, unforgettable song does. He found himself unopposed to a reality in which he woke up to it every morning, a reality in which Alexander wasn't leaving already.

Magnus attempted to stall his eventual going by inviting Alec to stay for breakfast so that he could indulge his self-destructive tendencies and look at him a while longer. He quickly picked up the pieces of himself that had shattered on the floor to appear unfazed when Alec immediately said, “No.”

His dignity was in a catatonic state by the time Alec finally left. He had wondered about so much that night. And yet, he knew why his heart fluttered as if a butterfly was trapped inside his chest when Alec had said with such devastatingly simplicity, "I trust you."

Magnus contemplated the reasons he had for chasing someone so unattainable, so closeted, and who was undeniably occupied with a forbidden infatuation for his blonde _parabatai_. After serious deliberation—of which thinking of Alexander had definitely not distracted him from—he arrived at the terrifying conclusion that he was falling in love with a Shadowhunter, with Alec Lightwood. Tracing his steps, Magnus figured he must have lost his mind somewhere between meeting Alec for the first time and the adorably confused face he had made when Magnus had called him pretty.

Another mess had been unknowingly created. This time, by himself, fed by baseless expectations and the looping memory of Alec's shoulders moving under his shirt. Hope—a feeling he refused to have for Shadowhunters since that day at the London Institute. He had stopped expecting anything besides a deeply indoctrinated cruelty from them. But all his moral foundations seemed to be crumbling whenever he looked at Alexander. It was an impending catastrophe, one that couldn’t end well. But he was still hoping, desperately, stupidly hoping that the flower blooming in his chest wouldn't be carelessly trampled upon, hoping Alec wouldn't break his heart.

***

The second time Alec walked away from him, it wasn’t as will-breaking, the huge difference being that Alec didn’t want to go but that he had to. It also was significantly less embarrassing, at least for Magnus. He was suavely reclined on a leather chaise with a cup of tea in his hands while he watched Alec frantically search for his clothes. His shirt was hanging on one of the chrome leaves bordering Magnus' mirror. He stifled a laugh when Alec tripped over a sleeping Chairman Meow as he put it on.

Normally, the sight of any one—man or woman—standing half-naked in the middle of his bedroom was a rousing one. But the sight of Alec standing half-naked in the middle of his bedroom was surreal. Magnus wasn't entirely certain it was happening. Then Alec stopped his hurried dressing. His head finally popped out of his shirt's collar and his eyes found Magnus and smiled, softly and warm, like the colors that spill into the sky when the sun peeks above the horizon, and Magnus was convinced that he must be dreaming, that he hadn't woken up yet. Because Alec was here. They had had sex last night, and Alec was still here.

"You shouldn't get distracted," Magnus said. "Your mother seemed adamant on the phone."

A smirk curled Alec's lips as he concentrated on zipping his pants. "You're not exactly helping."

Magnus smiled, shrugging. "Well, I do apply copious amounts of glitter to my person. It's been known to cause distractions. Some people stare. Some people accidentally chip off the nose of the Great Sphinx of Giza."

Alec raised his eyebrows. "You can't be that old." His bluntness didn't offend Magnus. In fact, it was reassuring. Magnus relied on Alec's recurrent honesty to unfound his doubts and insecurities.

"I have an excellent skin care routine. And various magical spells," he said, wiggling his fingers.

Alec laughed. It sounded carefree in this particular moment when the stillness of mornings affected the heart, its usual frenzied beating relaxed. It was rare, Magnus realized, to see Alec so untroubled, so unworried about Jace or Isabelle and in a more recent development, about Clary. He thought of Alec sleeping on his couch, how he had studied his hands. Being the cause behind Alexander’s happiness, the reason he walked into a room with a confidence he hadn’t possessed before made him feel truly powerful, more than anything his magic was capable of.  

In a burst of affection, Magnus stood up and walked over to Alec sitting on his bed and lacing his boots. Alec looked up, his fingers paused. Normally, Magnus compared Alec's wayward hair to the interwoven confusion of a bird's nest. Now that bird's nest looked as if it had been tossed up the whirling vortex of a tornado. Either a tornado or Magnus' hands—an unsolvable mystery.

"You look nice," Alec quietly said. "Without makeup."

Magnus raised his eyebrows."Do I not with makeup?"

He was only teasing but Alec's eyes widened. He shook his head. "No," he exclaimed. Then in a lower voice, hardly audible, he added, "I like the way you look."

Magnus flashed his cat eyes—because he could now—for a worthwhile moment just to see the same awed expression Alec had given him last night. It was a familiar look, and Magnus had received it from many others before, prompted by his magic or cultivated extravagance. But it appeared different on Alec's face, more innocent, more sincere. Alec seemed to be captivated by what was hidden underneath the glamour, by the parts of himself he was ashamed of.

"Thank you, Alexander.”

Alec opened his mouth to say something but his phone rang. It was his mother. It was always his mother. “I should go,” Alec said, picking up his phone.

Magnus tried to banish the disappointment he felt. He understood why Alec couldn't stay. He had duties he couldn't put on hold forever, albeit an enticing idea. And if Alec allowed Magnus to pull him back into bed, he might feel inclined to tell Alec everything, let truths tumble out of his mouth, regale him with stories from so long ago they had become a part of history.

Alec hesitated for a moment, which was unlike his determination last night when he had entered Magnus’ loft apartment and kissed him. “I’m sorry,” he said at last.

“I know it was your first time Alexander, but you shouldn’t apologize to someone you just had sex with. It bruises the ego.”

“I meant I’m sorry I’m leaving.”

Magnus smiled. “Just come back,” he said.

Alec leaned forward to kiss him, gentle and whisper-soft. “I will.”

Mangus considered it miraculous his mornings wouldn’t be lonely anymore, that he would wake up in a warmed bed beside Alexander and the sun rising on his skin.

***

The third time, it was Magnus who walked away, and Alec who watched him leave.

“But you and me, we always seem to find our way back to each other.” Alec held his hands, desperation pleading in his eyes. “Magnus, I love you.”

“I love you too,” Magnus said, cupping Alec’s cheek. Alec closed his eyes, naturally leaning into his palm, and Magnus’ heart tightened around the simple gesture, refusing to let it go, let Alec go. When Magnus had told Alec he loved him after Valentine’s attack on the Institute, it had felt like breathing again, as if he had been gasping for air underwater. Now it felt like he was taking that breath back in.

The words were stuck in his throat. They hurt more than he expected them to, hurt more than Alec lying to him. It was only then Magnus realized losing him wouldn’t be an easy thing, a recoverable thing.

“But as a leader, there are difficult decisions I have to make to ensure the survival of my people,” Magnus said, and the smile on Alec’s face fell immediately. “And the only thing stopping me from doing that, is you.”

Alec shook his head. “No, no—”

“I can’t have both.”

“Yes, you can,” Alec said, his voice straining to keep itself intact. “Magnus we can figure this out.”

 _The key to having no fear, is having nothing to lose_.

And for the past century, he had nothing, just the memories he lived on with. But Alec had been a vision that morning, the golden light of the sun reaching for him. Looking at Alec, a fear had settled close to Magnus. He had been shaken by his relief when he had woken up to Alec’s steady heartbeat echoing inside his head, unaware he had been tensely waiting for something terrible to happen. Alec leaving, for instance. 

“You once asked me what I was afraid of,” Magnus said. “It’s this.” 

The elevator doors sliding shut left him standing in a silence that remained. It's a terrifying moment when you realize how much you love someone, because it's also when you realize how much it would hurt to lose them.

***

Magnus’ knees were weak. He felt like falling back, but Alec wasn’t there to catch him.

“Days ago, I didn’t know the spark inside of you, the spark I fell in love with, was out for good,” Alec said.

A second is too long sometimes when you need to be moving faster, sooner. Major, irreparable damage can be done in that second, chances slip through your fingers, people slip through your fingers. But Alec’s words, his eyes, regal and cold, absent of their familiar tenderness, froze Magnus. And it had forfeited him a second he fumbled to retrieve as he turned around and grabbed Alec.

He refused to believe Alec wouldn’t be there tomorrow, not when Alec always talked about their future together so freely, so definitively, as if it was inevitable rather than just a mere possibility. It shocked Magnus sometimes. Mostly though, it overwhelmed him with joy, that he might have what he never could have before, and with Alec. Magnus didn’t know which part made him happier. He knew now.

“I can’t lose you too Alec,” he begged, fiercely clutching onto his shoulders. Magnus Bane, in his four hundred years of life, did not beg. But Alec was different. Alec was an unfortunate exception. Magnus had unconsciously trusted he would have Alec longer, until he was ready to let him go. Magnus wasn’t ready yet.

He held Alec’s face, trying to ignore the fact that Alec had just broken up with him and kissed him, thinking he will never be able to do this again. Alec didn’t resist, but he was passive, his lips unresponsive. Magnus ignored that as well. He neglected the words that had come out of Alec’s sweet mouth and focused instead on the ones that mattered.

_I don’t think I can live without you._

_I won’t lose you. I can’t._

_Magnus, I love you._

“Stay with me,” he repeated what Alec had said. “Stay with me. Okay?”

Magnus wanted to say more, his usual eloquence abandoning him. There had been an instant when the ice had spilt, and he had seen Alec as powerless as Magnus was feeling. The regrettable things Magnus had said the night before had affected him more than Alec had shown. He had made Alec think he wasn’t enough. Magnus wanted to say that he was. He wanted to tell Alec he loved him, more than he thought he would.

“I’m sorry,” Alec said. “I can’t.”

Magnus pulled his hands away defeatedly when Alec stepped back. He thought the distance between them was unacceptable but he didn’t act to remove it. Occasionally, it happens after a traumatic accident—you feel numb. Shock overtakes your body and delays the pain. When the shock wears off, the pain rushes in and breaks your body’s threshold. Then it’s too late. The chime of the bell above the door and its closing felt something like that.

 _The key to having no fear, is having nothing to lose_.

Magnus had opened a door and Alec had entered into his life through it. And he had filled the room with golden light, with the smell of coffee and his truly awful sweaters. He had given Alec his heart, hoping that he wouldn’t break it. But he did. It dawned on Magnus that perhaps it was his fault. He had thrown himself willingly onto Alec’s jagged edges, and he had gotten cut.

But Magnus had felt safe. He had felt safe when he looked at Alec. Because Alec had stayed after he had lost his job, and then his powers, and then his home. Because Alec had assured him he wasn’t going anywhere, at least without Magnus. Because Alec had kissed him the way he does everything else, with a resolve that what he was doing was right. Because Alec patiently loved him as Magnus fell apart in his arms. Because Alec looked at him as if Magnus was magic himself and not just capable of it.  

_Were you really afraid I was gonna go?_

He had allowed himself to be vulnerable in Alec’s hands. He had opened a door and Alec had ruined him. Alec was walking away, and Magnus couldn’t even watch him leave.

**Author's Note:**

> This was just an attempt to bring together all the parallels I've seen being drawn after Malec's (second) break-up scene. I hope you enjoyed reading it!


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